


sorry to panic

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Mamamoo, Nam Yoondo | Eric Nam (Musician), 우리 결혼했어요 | We Got Married
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 04:09:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14204739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: "i'm thinking you... you were on the internet today."or, solar and her internet anxiety strikes again! or mostly, she just blames eric first.





	sorry to panic

-

 

 

 

 

potato chips are crusting around moonbyul's mouth. solar is alarmed. tries to bite it back. her fingers crumble around a napkin and, as if she knew her too well, moonbyul starts to chew louder.

"do better," solar mutters. throws the napkin into moonbyul's face.

"you're grumpy," the other girl remarks. laughs. picks up the napkin and dangles it from her fingertips. she arches a brow. "i'm thinking you... you were on the internet today."

"don't start something you can't win."

moonbyul smirks. leans in. rests her chin in her palm and eyes her easily. solar feels her nerves start to unravel; they were already fringe. google alerts are a terrible habit.

"yah. even if there were a chance of me losing any argument you've constructed in your pretty head -" moonbyul taps solar's forehead. "you've already lost it with the facial expression you've been wearing all day."

"shut _up_."

but moonbyul ignores her. they've been sitting on the floor for an hour. on break. dance rehearsal starts again at four for their next appearance. solar knows she's been hiding in the practice room since this morning. not really willing to deal with the world. and of course, the subsequent stories that came with it.

"i just -" she sighs and folds her hands over her heads. a frustrated groan kicks her teeth. "i just wish - there are other ways of asking for my number? you know, i don't really want any of that out there."

moonbyul snorts. "what was he supposed to do? not answer the question? and also, you knew he was going to reach out eventually. that's what people do. reach out. say hello. forget about reaching out until they do it again?"

"i'm not like that!"

"you just like him," moonbyul sighs. reaches over and pats her head. "but you've never let yourself like him. because in the context of everything that's happened, he scares you because it's normal."

solar just stares at her. mostly, it's just the easiest thing to do. but her palms are sweaty. her mouth feels hot. she thinks about article headlines that she spent the entire morning. that she changed her number on purpose. that they really haven't talked. that he laughed awkwardly when asked about her.

the truth? after, it was the hardest thing to think about it. begrudgingly, she had found herself happy to look forward to seeing him. and letting herself. she doesn't open up easily. it's an odd habit; she's just learned the hard way being in the business of people and not just people, of being someone who teeters on the line of making people happy or upset. 

"i should reach out to him," she mutters. bats moonbyul's hand away finally.

moonbyul smirks. "probably." she pauses, grabs solars phone, and programs something into the screen. solar shrieks and moonbyul laughs, ducking and shoving her phone back into her lap.

solar tosses it, staring at the number as it skirts across the floor.

"it's just a number," moonbyul says.

solar swallows. here's where she's wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

it's easy to avoid.

during the day. every stupid, single moment from _we got married_ , on screen and off screen, come charging back into her head. in rehearsal. during vocal planning. during her solo concert planning. when the girls are asleep in the van and it passes by a new restaurant on their way back home. it's stupid and irresponsible and everything else in between. she promised herself, you know. clean breaks. don't think of him that way.

except it's hard not to.

solar waits until everyone disappears into their rooms. hwasa first. then it's wheein and moonbyul, arguing quietly amongst themselves as they disappear into the hallway. she strains to hear them with a frown. waits. listens to the door shut and pulls out her phone to stare at the screen.

the number itself seems completely foreign. even though it's been memorized. from the back of her mind, she starts to mouth each number like a weird promise. then presses the _send_ button without thinking. panics. runs to her room. kicks her bedroom door shut with a heavy breath.

"hello?"

she blinks. there was no ringing.

"yah," eric's voice is clear. "i can only assume this is you because moonbyul told me you'd be calling."

"i hate her," she mutters.

eric laughs. "no you don't." he pauses. "it's nice to hear you," he says softly.

"liar." she flushes and drops to her bed. she gropes around for a stuffed animal, grabbing it into the crook of her arm. "i don't believe you," she adds. "because i can't see you."

"we could fix that," he says dryly.

"no!"

eric just laughs. she's flustered. the sound is warm. it crawls under her skin. turns into knots in the pit of her stomach. she squeezes her eyes close and turns onto her back. she's smiling. but he doesn't know.

"sorry." he sighs still. "i'm sure you're probably calling because of the article."

" _articles_ ," she shoots back.

"articles," he repeats. he laughs a little. "honestly? i was surprised the question even came. i had texted you on your birthday and then reached out to mutual friends and was planning to just go through your company..."

"why?" she blurts. 

"it was your birthday."

all the feelings she's had about this, about him, come back in a large, unresolved rush. solar is honest: she likes things when they close neatly. and in the way it ended, the fade-to-black moment where they both promised to try and keep in touch. but didn't. because, she thinks, it's the reality of what their job entails.

but she also knows that it's an excuse. that had she wanted to make something work with him, she would have. had he? he would have. so it wasn't closed neatly. any of this. this is the first admission she's had, in a really long time - she's scared. he scares her.

"you -" solar stops. laughs shakily. "here you go making things sound pretty again."

"i'm just being honest."

"are you?"

eric sighs. "you've got to stop thinking that i have some kind of ulterior motive. i can barely pick the lock to your heart."

she's startled into a laugh and a groan. cringing because he's so cheesy. but flushed because there's this underlying sensation of pure honestly. something that is much scarier than any of this.

"let's be realistic," she says.

"and date?"

her face is hot. " _yah_."

"i'm kidding." eric chuckles. she imagines him grinning. doing that stupid thing where he runs a hand through his hair and sighs. semi but really exasperated with her. "let's go to the park," he says suddenly. "you know the park. there's a convenience store and it's close to -"

"my company," she answers. "i know."

he pauses again. she hears keys jingling. "see you there?"

solar's grip around her stuffed animal has loosened. she's flat on her back, staring at the ceiling. it's a little after one, she thinks. she still needs to sleep. the excuse is there. ready, willing. so close to grasp.

"see you there," she says instead.

 

 

 

 

 

she's been watching too many dramas again.

honestly, there's no security in being able to stand across the street and stare at her company. within reach, of course. the park around her is dark, sporadically lit. there are parts where people are standing and watching street performs. lights from surrounding restaurants glitter in the distance. the city is still very much alive.

also she only told hwasa where she was going. hwasa never judges out loud anyway.

for what feels like the fourteenth time, she checks her phone. she spins awkwardly. looks for signs and people. her face mask slips from her ear and she nervously adjusts it, then her baseball cap.

"hi."

she whirls around. her mouth drops to scold him. eric is grinning; he's within reach.

"hi," she chokes out. stares.

he shakes his head. his expression is worried. "waiting long?"

"no," she lies. pulls at her braid. it's dark enough to hide her blushing, she thinks with relief. but her hands are freezing and she digs them into her jacket. "just colder than i thought," she manages.

eric nods. "sure."

he steps forward too. looms over her. his expression remains kind. it's different though. or maybe it's because she's seeing him out of context of... everything, she thinks. he studies her and she feels almost naked.

"i like the hair," he says. "it's a pretty color."

solar blinks. he reaches out and touches the end of her braid.

"it's been hard to get used to," she manages. "sometimes i think it's too blonde."

"it's abrupt."

she snorts. "that too."

"are you hungry?"

solar shakes her head. "not really."

"do you want to walk?" he laughs a little. "i really didn't plan this well."

she bites her lip. "sure."

she's really been watching too many dramas, she thinks again. they fall into step, side by side. he leads a little. he seems to be wrestling with what to say too. maybe there's too little, she thinks. her brain feels completely blank. somewhere between panic and anxiety too. it's all edged out by the strangest feeling of comfort. like she's been lost and now set back into place. it's an impossible feeling, confusing at best.

but she's trying, solar thinks. she reaches out and touches his arm.

"i'm sorry we fell out of touch." her throat burns. it's taking a lot of pride. "i feel like i may be more at fault, if anything."

he shrugs. "it takes two of us." he meets her gaze. smiles gently. "i think doing the show through us both through a loop, you know? it wasn't just you that felt... strange."

her brow furrows. "i don't understand?"

"i had feelings for you," he says cleanly. it startles her. he looks away. maybe embarrassed. "i mean, how could i not? we were in close proximity for a really long time. then to end so abruptly made it all worse. i wanted to be able to talk to you with the cameras off but i didn't know where to start."

solar sighs. "i probably wouldn't have let you," she murmurs.

"that too."

she should be reeling at the confession. instead, there's this tangible sense of longing. she was there. there too. right next to him, holding on tightly to the same kind of feelings. feeling equally lost and confused.

"i hadn't wanted - i -" she laughs, struggling a little. she peels off her mask and grips it. "i had wanted to keep in touch. i had all these fantasies of what i wanted say to you that last day - to your face, not through some letter or last interview or voiceover. but that day felt like a goodbye and it was devastating. i had no idea what to do."

"and here we are," he says.

she sighs. "here we are."

they walk quietly for some time after that. close than before. at times, she swears she feels the tips of his fingers brush against the back of her hand. maybe like a reassurance. maybe more that it's all in her head. she tries to remain sensible. pushes herself together. tries to tell herself that this might be a better way of closing the door on whatever they were.

but then she grabs his hand.

it happens suddenly, sharply. maybe on the verge of his fingers _actually_ touching her hand. she grips his fingers between hers. looks up with a frown, only to find him staring back at her with a resolute expression, equal parts terrifying and real. she fights back every sense of herself, the rational parts that walks her out of these situations. the ones she's had with him. mostly with him. _only_ with him.

"i want to keep in touch," he says.

it's a declaration. maybe messy. she stares at him. his grip switches and he's holding her hand back.

"i don't want to say goodbye." eric is serious. he swallows. "i don't want to go through periods of not talking. i want to get to know you. and if it's friends that we can only be, then we'll be friends. if it's not, then i -"

definitely watching too many dramas, she thinks. "you want to be more than friends?" she can't recognize the sound of her own voice. she clears her throat. "with me?"

"you seem really surprised."

solar lets out a startled laugh. she hits his chest.

"you're ridiculous," he says affectionately. his voice softens. "do i need to answer?"

"yes," she mumbles. she peeks at him. "you know i'm not really the best with subtleties."

it's bizarre, how the moment starts to slow down, really slow down, and everything around her seems to lose purpose and focus. she is no longer aware of any sounds but his breathing. or any movement but the way his mouth tilts. he says something else. but her brain remains in a haze. even as he starts to lean forward, over her, then against her.

and then he kisses her.

it's another moment to realize that he's kissing her. and one more to realize that she's kissing him back. that her mouth is just as soft as his is - his opens against her, over hers, and she sighs. rolls her tongue into his and squeezes her eyes shut tightly. his arm is suddenly resting against her back.

"yah," she breathes against his mouth. "i can't think -"

"maybe you should stop thinking."

solar hits eric again. laughs into his mouth as he steals another kiss. this isn't really answer. it doesn't promise to be either. maybe, in the end, it's really what she needs.

a chance to want to start.

 

 

 

 

 

(the next interview is _totally_ her fault though.

"so," the host stares at her. next to solar, her girls are sent into peels of laughter. wheein is gripping her arm so hard it almost hurts. "are you saying that _eric nam_ -ssi is your ideal type?"

solar just bites her lip and grins.)


End file.
